You really shouldn't Use a knife
To get toast Out of the toaster
That's very dangerous.
No, i'm not trying To get the toast out.
I'm trying to Get the fork out !
Oh !
You know, this Really irks me...
What's that ?
This city alderman-- Who was indicted
For taking kickbacks During a sting operation--
What did you say ? ( Buzz ) ow !
Gosh !
This thing is Plugged in !
I voted for the wrong guy, ben, That's what i'm saying.
What did he do ?
Well, according to the paper, He had his hand in the till.
Oh, he was...
He was embezzling money From the city...
Really ?
Transferring it into his Own personal account.
That's, uh... Bad for the city, huh ?
It's bad for the city, It's bad for politics !
Yeah.
Sometimes i wish i had Chosen that path, you know ?
I think i could've Made a real contribution...
As a public servant.
Right.
But uhm, what would you do As alderman, seriously ?
Just give me Your platform.
End corruption In city politics.
Okay, that's Pretty good.
I would like to, uh... Bring crime back To the streets
Out of our homes--
Crime is in The home now ?
No, i'd like to clean up the Criminal element in the city.
Criminal element ?
Yeah !
What decade are You living in ?
What are you ? Bat man ?
What's your position On nuclear weapons ?
Hate 'em.
Good.
Hi, uh, laur-- Laura is it ?
Yeah.
Yeah, hi.
Hi.
I'm uh... Louis c.K.
Uh-huh.
Louis...
Right.
C-- just c-period, K-period.
Okay, got it !
Yeah, well, i'm supposed To be here, now ?
Yeah !
For the Doctor, katz ?
Right, could you Take a seat Over there, please ?
You don't want to ask me... About my name ?
No !
Okay !
Just that people usually Think it's really weird and...
They want to Hear the funny story--
Well, hee hee, Well, okay, i don't.
No, i don't wanna Tell it to you
I was just wondering If you wanna hear--
( Sigh )
Okay... No, people Usually want to know.
Uh, how-- what's up with The-- with "laura" ?
What kind of Name is that ?
Is that like, uh... Acronym for something ?
It's hungarian.
Before i went on the road, I was back home in new york
Uh-huh.
People are So mean there.
Like, um... Everywhere you go,
There's some kid working Behind the counter.
He's like, "uh, Everything's lame, ew."
So, i went to buy An ice-cream cone At this place--
It's, like, "Cool" ice cream, you know ?
And there's all these Flavors on the board
And i'm Looking at 'em--
And you're really serious when You're checking out your flavors
Going, "hmm... Now what ? I don't like raisins..."
So, there's this Flavor called, "chips ahoy".
And i'm thinking that could be A lot of things-- "chips ahoy" !
Maybe there's a Lot of chips in it !
Hmm.
So, i go up To the kid...
This little snotty kid With the nose earring
And he's like "uughh..." And i went over and said,
"Excuse me, What is "chips ahoy" ?"
And i swear to god, He goes, "guess !"
I was like, "i don't know, I don't know ! What is it ?"
And he says, "have you ever Heard of "chips ahoy" cookies ?"
Have you ever heard of 'em ?
And i was like, "yeah..."
"Well, they're in Vanilla ice cream-- duhh."
And i just-- I started crying.
You know what I like to do, dr. Katz,
When i'm really bored ?
Uh, give me a hint.
I like to go up To total strangers
And just start Conversations with them !
Yeah.
It's really fun, if you ever Have nothin' to do
Just go up to somebody You don't know
And just start A conversation.
But, the fun way to do it--
Don't start the conversation In the beginning...
Just start it In the middle.
Right.
Just walk up to somebody In a store and just say,
"Yeah, how d'you Think i felt ?"
Or, like, knock on Your neighbor's door
And when they Answer the door just go,
"So that's why He was acting so weird !"
Yeah.
I also like to, uh... Go shopping a lot.
I like to Go to "k-mart"...
Right.
The thing i like about "k-mart" Is that the variety is amazing !
You can buy Everything there !
And there are certain Combinations of things
That you can Buy at "k-mart"
That you can't buy At other places.
And there's certain things that If you buy them together--
Like if you buy certain things By themselves, nobody cares
But if you buy them In combinations
People kinda get A little freaked-out.
Like what ?
I like to go there And go,
"Hi, i need a jar of mayonnaise, And a stopwatch, and a bible"
"I need a case of motor oil, And a huffy 10-speed, And a blonde wig"
"... A road flare and A pair of pink panties !"
Hi !
Hey !
Hi !
Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi !
Hi.
Hey.
My sister's So much deeper than me.
She's just a deeper person, You know... Even as kids.
Um-hmm.
She's just An older soul, you know.
We were sitting at the breakfast Table and she said, uh,
"You know, sarah, i think that The enemy of fear and tension Is involvement."
Right.
I said, "yeah...
Grandma's fat".
Went out to dinner last night At this really nice restaurant
The ladies' room Was out-of-order.
I had to use the mens' room, Which is so humiliating !
Sitting in That urinal...
Oh !
Dirty...
Then i flush, Now my back was all wet !
Oh, i was, uh... Licking jelly Off of my boyfriend
And, um, all of a sudden I'm thinking,
"Oh, my god, I'm turning into my mother !"
Hmm.
I talk during sex, I can't help it.
It's, like, it's beyond My control, y'know.
It's, umm-- It just moves me, too.
I always find myself Talking during sex.
I'm always Saying stuff like, uh,
"...Ow, ow, ow, ow !
Easy... buddy !
Dr. Katz's office !
( Ben on phone ) Laura ! Hi, ben.
Laura, laura, How are you ?
Ben, why are You calling ?
I was having a conversation With my dad this morning
And apparently he wants to, uh, Maybe get into politics.
Really ? Why ?
I don't know whether It's gonna be soon
It looks like there's an opening For, uh, the alderman position.
Oh, great.
That's exciting, huh ?
Really.
Listen, this is more of A business call, Not a social call.
So i may have to cut you off On the, uh... Chit-chat,
And let's get down To business.
We worked out some platforms This morning over breakfast.
And uh, my idea was, Handicapped parking For everyone !
You know...
I think you need To think that through.
Um, i'll tell You something, laura
It sounds glamorous, "alderman", But it is a difficult position
That requires a lot of Responsibility.
Do you know what those Responsibilities are ?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I mean, there's a lot.
Like what ?
Well, umm, i dunno if You're familiar with the, uh...
The verb "to alder", hah !
Not really, Actually.
It's a very complicated Political process.
Could you Explain it to me ?
You know, I could, but, uh,
If i explain it to you, I would bore you,
And i don't want to Jeopardize my dad's campaign.
Hmmm.
You know i was A non-believer too
When he first Mentioned it.
In fact, i laughed Right in his fat face.
But now, i see the up side To running for alderman.
And what's that ?
Chicks love it !
I think.
I have a cough...
Yeah.
And, uh, i had to get cough Medicine for it this morning
I look on the Back of the bottle...
Uh-huh.
It said, "Keep away from children" !
Right.
Which makes me so sad, You know,
Because i really-- I love children !
Yeah, i really don't Wanna subject myself
To the kind of Public humiliation,
The kind of scrutiny That you go through...
As soon as you Try to enter public life--
Public humiliation Is a good thing.
Yeah, but things would Come out of these things.
If i ran for office, All of a sudden--
Oh, they would start To pry into your Personal life--
That's right.
Things would surface That i really would not--
No, it's true, probably there's A lot of things in your past
That you probably Don't want brought out.
But i think, fortunately, When you run for alderman,
I don't think They pry that deeply--
Believe me, They pry, ben.
Did you, um-- What have you done
That could, potentially, Be ruinous to a campaign ?
You don't have to pry, Let them do it !
No, i need to know this now dad, As your campaign manager--
Well, first of all, I'm not running For anything.
Well, if you Were to run
Is there something I should know about That you--
A couple of affiliations I've had to organizations
That are... A little shady, you know.
I saw a picture Of you back in the '60s,
And you were Smoking a pipe, What was in that ?
Well, that's the Kind of thing That would come up.
I mean, i already released That picture to the press.
That's called A "preemptive move".
That's a good idea, Put them on the defensive !
What i am doing is, I am-- exactly
I am putting the Whole system on trial.
Bravo, "bravissimo !"
Yeah !
I really appreciate how Supportive you're being now,
And even entertaining The notion that it's
Something i Could succeed at
I find very supportive And flattering.
But, guess what ?
What's that ?
I'm not Interested !
Well, dad, honestly, If you run, you will win.
And not only You're gonna win--
we're gonna Win, right ?
I like being a therapist, Ben, i like who i am.
Hey, i don't want to Hear that kind of talk !
Hey, wait a minute, That can be our slogan !
What ?
"I don't wanna hear That kind of talk !"
Isn't that kind of A long, dumb slogan ?
"Long, dumb slogan !" That's it !
"We don't need any Long, dumb slogans."
See, everything You say is gold, dad !
You gotta go Into politics !
Good-bye ben !
"Good-bye ben !" See, you're into it !!
So, uh... I've been traveling.
I've been on the road A lot, traveling.
And you kinda Get lonely...
Sure !
When you're travelling, And you don't, uh--
There's certain things That people might say to you
That wouldn't Bother you otherwise,
But they stand out.
Like i was At the airport...
Uh-huh.
And i'm checking in And the lady said, uh,
"Did you pack Your bags yourself ?"
I was like, "yeah, just me... In The room this morning... Alone."
And she's like,
"Did anyone give you anything To bring on the plane ?"
"No."
Who's getting presents Before they go on airplanes ?
I wanna Get a present !
I don't think presents Is the issue, louis.
And i kinda get nervous When i fly-- sometimes we're--
I was flying from New york to san francisco
And the pilot came on--
Well, we're sitting on the Ground for, like, an hour
'Cause there was Bad weather in san francisco
So they wouldn't Let us take off...
Uh-huh.
And then The pilot comes on,
"Good evening passengers,
"We have an idea up here In the cockpit.
"They won't let us take off To go to san francisco
"So we're going to say that We're going to las vegas
And halfway through We'll switch !"
And we're all looking At each other and saying,
"What the hell is this ?
Don't pull a fast one On the safety guys !"
Like we're all going--
"Yeah, screw those, What do they know ?!
Stick it... To them !"
Yeah, i was Wondering, laura--
Actually, later this afternoon If you have time, or after work,
You'd want to drop by the, uh... Campaign headquarters.
Where is that ?
It's right here At the house.
And what would We be doing there, ben ?
We'd work on "the campaign," And i made "air quotes".
You know what i'm saying ?
No, i don't.
I'm saying, you want to get on This political train, baby !
You don't want to get off, We're on a roll, here !
Don't you hear The phones ringing ?
No.
Brrrrr !
Laura, hold on One sec...
Brrrr !
You know, forget it, I'm not gonna get it !
Brrrr !
You uh-- ahh forget it I'll get it !
Hey, ben !
No, i'm not gonna get it 'Cause i've been working--
Brrrrr--
...All morning-- brrrrppp !
And i'm just sick And tired of-- brrrppp !
But i'll get it !
Hold on-- katz's h.Q. !
Oh, man, We have fun !
No, honestly, i, uh, I'm kinda a new man, here...
I mean, i have more Responsibilities, I paint posters.
I have a staff of... One 7-year-old girl
Who lives upstairs who's Helping me paint the posters !
And she's doing A pretty damn good--
not the red !
It's weird relating to all of The different kinds of people
In america When you travel around.
Like, i was in maine... Right.
And people up there Have weird accents.
I could hardly understand Anything anybody
Was saying to me 'cause The accent was so weird !
Like, i went up to this guy At the gas station, I said "hello"
And he said-- ( Screeching )
I was like, "wow, that's Like another language, almost !"
Right.
And in minnesota, too, you know, The minnesota accent.
I went there and i was just Trying to get directions.
I asked this lady, "how do i get To the interstate ?"
And she said-- "( Beeping ) La, la-la, la-la !"
So, i don't know
I need somebody to Help me with that one !
So, dad !
( Dr. Katz ) Hmm ?
What did you do today ?
What didn't I do today !
That's what I like to hear !
I just need to know if you've Had any subversive leanings ?
I am a subversive !
You are ?
In the larger Sense of the word.
Right.
And this country, Benjamin daniel katz,
Was built by subversives.
No, dad, they were... Puritans, i thought.
Let me check...
All the great leaders Of this country
Were subversive, In some way.
You think so ?
Yeah.
Dad, are you now, Or have you ever been
A member of the Communist party ?
See, those are two Separate questions, ben.
And it didn't seem Like a party at the time.
Were you active In college politics ?
No, i, umm...
I was president Of my class !
Is that an Appointed position ?
No, it's-- what ?
I just don't see you putting Yourself on the line that way !
What was Your platform ?
I don't remember.
I'll help You remember !
Yeah, help me remember !
Elect me, And you'll never...
Blank... Blank
In the Blank again !
How about this !
What do we want ? Blank !
When do we want it ? Now !
What would you Have said then ?
Are we helping ?
You're not helping !
But you guys aren't Political now, are you ?
I mean, i've never seen you-- I never hear about this.
You guys don't come in here Talking about politics.
Umm, i'm Sort of political.
Really ?
Yeah.
I wrote a paper called "Social politics"...
That was you ? I read that !
I think i read it ! Did i say i wrote it ?
You said You wrote it !
I'm sorry, I meant to say, I read it !
Ooohh, yeah !
I was wondering...
If either of you Feel sort of bad
That you aren't still Involved in politics,
In the way that you were When you were in college,
And that's why you were just-- This is just something, uh--
Sometimes i miss That sense of belonging.
Uh-huh.
I actually-- i was part Of the anti-war movement !
Oh yeah ? Did you march ?
I marched but i was Always 10 minutes late.
Hmmm.
So you didn't Actually march, You were just like--
I marched near washington !
How close Did you get ?
Bethesda.
Did you guys-- either of you Burn your draft cards ?
Yep.
You did ?
But speaking of burning, Did you, uh...
You were wondering If i burned my bra ?
Did you Burn your bra ?
No, i read about women Doing that, i never did it !
You ever roast Marshmallows ?
Ha ha ha !
Dad ! I'm glad you're home !
Exciting news today...
Yeah ?
We have Competition now !
Who is that ?
I read in the paper today, That there's another guy
Who's apparently gonna be Running for alderman !
So now, we can uh... Really get our talons in--
Start attacking this guy !
I have some good news For you too, exciting news !
What's that ?
Uh, i made reservations For us in the real world !
Ha ha, what are You talking about ?
The real world is where You and i used to live
Until you got into This wacky campaign mode.
I'm not really interested In running for anything !
I don't feel like i can play This game anymore, ben.
I just don't Want to play--
Dad, dad ?
Yeah ?
Which game don't You want to play ?
The game where I'm running for office
And you're my running mate Or my campaign manager.
I like it better when We were just a couple of guys--
Just a father And a son.
Yeah.
I mean, i think that You have the taste for
This political life now, It's in your blood !
I think i've been a pretty Decent campaign manager.
You've been better than decent, You've been superb, ben !
Yeah.
And i think you could Make somebody
A very good Campaign manager...
Hmm.
Provided they were interested In running for office.
That's one of The requirements.
I just thought dad, This is a good Opportunity for you
To get something else Going in your life,
To start Believing in stuff !
I believe In stuff, ben !
And politics is a good way To reach people and...
You know what else Isn't bad, is the phone.
Yeah.
You're not Even in politics
And you know how many Times i've lied today ?
How many times ?
Oh my god, Like a hundred !
Just to practice ?
Yeah.
Even the greatest Politicians of our time, lied.
Really ?
Even lincoln, what was His nickname ?
"Honest abe".
Well maybe that's Not a good example.
What about the guy After lincoln ?
Washington ?
No, dad, washington Was the first president !
Oh, i thought you Meant alphabetically.
Yeah, actually today, I drained the campaign fund.
Did you put in An i-o-u ?
No, i went To the arcade.
You took our Campaign fund ?
It was only $120 !
Yeah.
But, man, did i Dump that off quick !
It was 2 hours at the arcade But guess what i won you ?
What's that ? This !
Oh my god !
That's right, Played "skeetball."
Oh, i had to, uh-- I had to end a relationship
With a girlfriend of mine.
It was sad, we'd been Friends for a long time,
But she changed, You know.
She, uh... She's a-- what is it ?
Not born-again christian, But... Oh !
Pathological liar !
My sister Just got married...
That's great !
It was fun, it was A neat wedding, you know...
They took each other's Last names and hyphenated it.
Uh-huh.
So... Now my sister's name is Susan silverman-abramowitz.
They're just gonna shorten it To just, uh...
jews.
Yeah.
It fits on The mailbox.
Sure !
My father was at the wedding and That was really awkward for me.
It was uncomfortable, I guess, 'cause, uh...
When i was 14 i went out With my father's best friend.
Really ?
And, uh... That's embarrassing !
You know, my father having A 14-year-old best friend.
Loser !
I had a gay dream The other night.
This was really weird, dr. Katz, I had a gay dream.
And i didn't know I was having a gay dream
Until partway through.
See here's how it was-- The dream--
I was at a cafe in italy With a friend of mine
And we're sitting there Having espressos and...
Yeah, gay dream...
These 2 young italian boys, Come up to us they say,
"Come swimming with us, We're going to go swimming.
Come on, it's going to be Very nice to go swimming !"
And you know, it's a dream, So we were like,
"What the hell, why not,
You know, go swimming With these italian kids ?"
So i get on the back Of the kid's scooter there
And we go Into the mountains.
So they take off Their clothes,
And they start swimming And they're saying to us,
"Come on in To the water !
It's beautiful, Don't be afraid !"
So we're starting to get Undressed, and i asked my friend
"Is this gay, Do you think,
To swim with Italian teenage boys ?"
And my friend's like, "No, of course not !"
And i said, "Yeah, you're right."
Anyway, so, i'm making out With one of them, you know...
Like, kissing him, And it hit me all at once !
( Music ) Of course, This is gay !
What the hell Was i thinking !?
You know what the Music means, louis ?
This is totally gay !
It's time to stop, Our time is up !